Strange

So I was reading a blog of my friend and I can't even tell you how long it has been since I've even went on a blog page. It was a chapter that was closed at one point and I just suddenly felt prompted to read some of my old posts. How strange it feels to be connecting to a part of me that was so long ago...

After reading my posts, I realized that the fundamentals haven't changed. I'm stuck in a crossroad once again and fear is still my companion. As my partner said it so eloquently one night, he doesn't understand why I cant seem to get out of this rut. The world doesn't wait for you. If you don't catch up, you will fall behind. That's what I feel: a little betrayed, a little like this world just left me behind, forgotten about me, slowly disappearing.  Sometimes I go on these little gatherings with friends thinking I can find myself again, only to feel worse than before. I get lost in conversations, get a little jealous, panic and run away. What is it that I had envisioned for myself? I don't really remember. Everything is such a blur and I'm not sure where to begin.

loneliness

Its New Years and its supposedly the warmest day of the whole year. But it doesn't feel that way. I've never felt so far apart from everyone. Yesterday, out of spite, I took a day off and just went off to wherever I feel like. I walked on Broadway hoping the rustling of people would get me to be happier only I felt worse. I find myself looking around for the smallest, quietest coffee shop around so I can bury myself in my book and hide away from the world. Then of course given there are none on union square I ended up at Jas Mart, bought two sushi balls, a cappuccino and hid myself in one of the small cubicles and read my book. I was in bliss for a while only I felt pitiful and even hated myself for being such a coward. I felt retarded for walking a half mile away from home only to be sitting there eating and reading my damn book. Whats the point?

I told my bf later on that night of my events and he said "o, thats nice. I'm so proud of you." I wish he understood a little more about my fear of being alone. He never could nor try to reach that part of me. He takes my tantrums but he never went to the source. But I shouldnt be so damn reliant on him. I've lost just about everyone around me and I'm starting to blame it on him, felt he was responsible when he had no clue in the first place. I'm furious with myself and I know people can't help you love life, you just have to love it for yourself.

I want to reach out to a friend who recently denied me. I thought he understood me best, the pain, the suffering. But how can I possibly reach out to someone who has rejected you in his heart? I don't know. God really works in mysterious ways. He gave me what I wanted only to lose the things I already have. Be careful what you wish for, my lesson of the day.

Fighting

I woke up groggy-eyed and feeling shitty and tired. Last night's fight is still on my mind and I just don't feel like picking up the phone to call. Our issue has always been the same with you yelling at me telling me that I'm expecting too much from you and that you have tried your best. I told you again for the 50th millionth time that your best isn't enough. You don't have the freaking time. You're right, sometimes I look at other people and see how they are always together. But is that too much to ask? You told me to give you time and I carried my end of the promise. What about you? New baggages, duties, responsibilities always come in the way. I have to fight through each and every one just to grab your attention. I can't help but feel disappointed each time and the same old things run through my mind. How I got sick so bad and I had to beg you to come and see me when I got well, how you don't want to go on a vacation with me, how every other week I had to ask to see when it would be a good time for you to come home, when I ask you to put aside a day and you freak out and say I'm pushing you, being understanding to the fact you hate movies, sweets, going out to eat things that I liked doing.

SO I became sympathetic and you thought I was pushing. I told you I'm giving up and you analyzed my feelings based on my hormones. I told you I'm not waiting anymore and you explained that because I have so much time to give, thats why I feel this way. Well you know what? I wanted to be normal. I want to go out, I want to watch movies, go on vacations, see things, be with my bf on a constant basis and just do the things i like doing. I compromised it all for you and thats the reason why I feel so hollow. I feel hollow with you and even without you. SO quit analyzing me asshole. Take this for a change.

Dilemmas

Life is never perfect. Asking for what you want always come in defected packages. The question is whether we can accept the pain that comes along with it. In this case, I don't know. I was lucky to have two gifts this year: One that I've always wanted and the other something that is good for me. And thats when the dilemma comes in; I fell in love with someone that doesnt quite love me back. And in turn, someone is willing to take a risk with me, but I dont feel the same. And so, we end up in a non-ending circle, chasing one another until we are too tired to follow. I am so tired, I wish I can just stop. But what should I do? Live in short term happiness or trust in what is safe?

Weather

Amazing how good weather can just change your total outlook to life. Guess i just needed a little sun and some absent-minded fun. Just realized things doesn't have to be so bad after all.

Remind me again to move to somewhere sunny and warm for 364 days a year. Then watch me bounce off the walls after 20 days. Now thats how life should be.

Whats right

So a friend asked me today, "would you rather do the right thing or would you rather do what you want?". I paused for a very long time, and my answer is "I try to do whats right so that I can get what I want." But the truth is, life doesnt work that way. Given the current situation, doing what is right have once again screwed me over. I lost the bet and it hurts. Another painful reminder that I dont have a right to really ask for anything.

And so I stepped back and looked again to see if what I did was really appropriate. I dont know. I just want to do whats right so that everything looks clearer. No more mugginess, no confusing things, no stress, and lastly no pain. But right now, all I feel is pain. Hopefully, things will get better from here on. You know when they say, "what doesnt kill us would only make us stronger." I dont believe that. I think the scars that we carry would harden us and change us to the point that we can't feel. Maybe its a good thing. It would certainly make life a lot easier for me.

Unsaid words

God I hate it when people dont say what they feel. I wish people would just express exactly what they feel so that I dont have to beat around the bush trying to find an answer. I feel like we create a problem in less then 5 seconds and almost a good lifetime just to try to solve it. Whats the freaking point? Instead of the fear of hurt, fear of pain, fear of resentment why can't we just be honest with each other? It saves everyone further pain knowing that we have been putting up a front all along. I think I have much more respect for someone who voices their opinion than one who hides behind a mask of lies.