snowmoon85

loneliness

2008-02-09T08:37:00.000-08:00

Its New Years and its supposedly the warmest day of the whole year. But it doesn't feel that way. I've never felt so far apart from everyone. Yesterday, out of spite, I took a day off and just went off to wherever I feel like. I walked on Broadway hoping the rustling of people would get me to be happier only I felt worse. I find myself looking around for the smallest, quietest coffee shop around so I can bury myself in my book and hide away from the world. Then of course given there are none on union square I ended up at Jas Mart, bought two sushi balls, a cappuccino and hid myself in one of the small cubicles and read my book. I was in bliss for a while only I felt pitiful and even hated myself for being such a coward. I felt retarded for walking a half mile away from home only to be sitting there eating and reading my damn book. Whats the point?

I told my bf later on that night of my events and he said "o, thats nice. I'm so proud of you." I wish he understood a little more about my fear of being alone. He never could nor try to reach that part of me. He takes my tantrums but he never went to the source. But I shouldnt be so damn reliant on him. I've lost just about everyone around me and I'm starting to blame it on him, felt he was responsible when he had no clue in the first place. I'm furious with myself and I know people can't help you love life, you just have to love it for yourself.

I want to reach out to a friend who recently denied me. I thought he understood me best, the pain, the suffering. But how can I possibly reach out to someone who has rejected you in his heart? I don't know. God really works in mysterious ways. He gave me what I wanted only to lose the things I already have. Be careful what you wish for, my lesson of the day.

Fighting

2007-07-09T10:47:00.001-07:00

I woke up groggy-eyed and feeling shitty and tired. Last night's fight is still on my mind and I just don't feel like picking up the phone to call. Our issue has always been the same with you yelling at me telling me that I'm expecting too much from you and that you have tried your best. I told you again for the 50th millionth time that your best isn't enough. You don't have the freaking time. You're right, sometimes I look at other people and see how they are always together. But is that too much to ask? You told me to give you time and I carried my end of the promise. What about you? New baggages, duties, responsibilities always come in the way. I have to fight through each and every one just to grab your attention. I can't help but feel disappointed each time and the same old things run through my mind. How I got sick so bad and I had to beg you to come and see me when I got well, how you don't want to go on a vacation with me, how every other week I had to ask to see when it would be a good time for you to come home, when I ask you to put aside a day and you freak out and say I'm pushing you, being understanding to the fact you hate movies, sweets, going out to eat things that I liked doing.

SO I became sympathetic and you thought I was pushing. I told you I'm giving up and you analyzed my feelings based on my hormones. I told you I'm not waiting anymore and you explained that because I have so much time to give, thats why I feel this way. Well you know what? I wanted to be normal. I want to go out, I want to watch movies, go on vacations, see things, be with my bf on a constant basis and just do the things i like doing. I compromised it all for you and thats the reason why I feel so hollow. I feel hollow with you and even without you. SO quit analyzing me asshole. Take this for a change.

Dilemmas

2006-12-06T16:32:00.000-08:00

Life is never perfect. Asking for what you want always come in defected packages. The question is whether we can accept the pain that comes along with it. In this case, I don't know. I was lucky to have two gifts this year: One that I've always wanted and the other something that is good for me. And thats when the dilemma comes in; I fell in love with someone that doesnt quite love me back. And in turn, someone is willing to take a risk with me, but I dont feel the same. And so, we end up in a non-ending circle, chasing one another until we are too tired to follow. I am so tired, I wish I can just stop. But what should I do? Live in short term happiness or trust in what is safe?

Weather

2006-09-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

Amazing how good weather can just change your total outlook to life. Guess i just needed a little sun and some absent-minded fun. Just realized things doesn't have to be so bad after all.

Remind me again to move to somewhere sunny and warm for 364 days a year. Then watch me bounce off the walls after 20 days. Now thats how life should be.

Whats right

2006-06-09T22:19:00.000-07:00

So a friend asked me today, "would you rather do the right thing or would you rather do what you want?". I paused for a very long time, and my answer is "I try to do whats right so that I can get what I want." But the truth is, life doesnt work that way. Given the current situation, doing what is right have once again screwed me over. I lost the bet and it hurts. Another painful reminder that I dont have a right to really ask for anything.

And so I stepped back and looked again to see if what I did was really appropriate. I dont know. I just want to do whats right so that everything looks clearer. No more mugginess, no confusing things, no stress, and lastly no pain. But right now, all I feel is pain. Hopefully, things will get better from here on. You know when they say, "what doesnt kill us would only make us stronger." I dont believe that. I think the scars that we carry would harden us and change us to the point that we can't feel. Maybe its a good thing. It would certainly make life a lot easier for me.

Unsaid words

2006-05-15T22:13:00.000-07:00

God I hate it when people dont say what they feel. I wish people would just express exactly what they feel so that I dont have to beat around the bush trying to find an answer. I feel like we create a problem in less then 5 seconds and almost a good lifetime just to try to solve it. Whats the freaking point? Instead of the fear of hurt, fear of pain, fear of resentment why can't we just be honest with each other? It saves everyone further pain knowing that we have been putting up a front all along. I think I have much more respect for someone who voices their opinion than one who hides behind a mask of lies.

Tired

2006-04-03T16:51:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired and exhausted. If only I have real issues in my life to be tired about. Only I dont. I wake up each day feeling tired and angry at myself, the people around me and this fucking ugly world. Nothing is pretty anymore. Everything smells old and feels moldy. I walk around the streets hoping that someone can come around and hit me so that I can feel. I'm so tired of feeling sorry for myself. I wish it would just stop. Whats the point of having people ask about me when I dont even know what to say? im angry because my life is so fucking mundane? Thats pathetic. But then again Im pathetic. Im just a fucking whiner and a fake. I pretend that everything is ok when everything is not. I pretend that Im happy for people when Im not. I pretend to be sad for others when I dont give a fuck. There u go, i said it. I hope everyone reads this. EVERYONE. So that they know not everybody in this world is happy and jolly.

Let Go

2006-03-25T21:09:00.000-08:00

There are many things in life that we have to let go for the best of the situation. Its hard because we dont know how to deal with all the remaining imprints that they have left on us. I have snapshots in my head of his eyes, smile, and touch. But whats done is done. I have never regretted a moment of it, but only sad that its probably the last time that our paths will ever cross again. Its better this way i guess, to know that he will be fine on his road and me on mine. Its the best ending that I can ever get.

"I remember when
you came with me that night
you said forever
that you will never let me go
here I am again
with nothing left inside
I dont wanna
But I gotta
let u go"

~Ashley Parker Angel

Somebody said goodbye

2006-03-18T20:11:00.000-08:00

I found these lyrics in Enya's song "somebody said goodbye". In one of her lines she asks why we never want to say goodbye. Reminds me of how as I leave each stage of life feeling excited at first and as time passes by only to wake up one day to realize that people have slowly drifted away from me. When did I stop acknowledging them along the way? I vow never to say another good bye again and send an email to Enya one day telling her that there is always a reason why.

Is there a reason?
Why your broken heart begins to cry
Is there a reason?
You were lost and alone though you dont know why
Give me a reason
Why you never want to say goodbye
If theres a reason
I dont know why

Cry

2006-03-01T20:10:00.000-08:00

Read my ex-roomie's entries and found myself choking with tears. Three months I have left but at the same time, I can still feel what it was like being in HK. The first scent that I get coming back to my room, hearing my roomie's "Queenie!", Kelly peering through the bathroom door, Ian calling for dinner, Matt's amazing back rub, Lee's breath on my cheeks, King's Arms fantastic steak, heading to Kowloon Tong for the MTR, going to Mong Kok for the 15th millionth time for cheap shopping, heading to Harbor City because we ran out of places to eat, going to Lok Fu for vendor food, to Kowloon City for Thai food and yummy dessert, Kaycee's laugh, Mariel making fun of me, Rainer's boyish grin, Alex weird imitation of me, Jacq being my favorite enemy, Eliza's "Deem ah??", being in what I thought was love, being out of it, holding someone and being held back, my first real kiss, my last real kiss, my last feeling of my heart beating so fast that I couldnt breathe.....

I thought I got over it, apparently not. Its been in my unconscious level for so long and now I want to cry.

Fear

2006-02-15T17:49:00.000-08:00

I fear a lot of things in life:

I fear change, the idea of not knowing what I'm doing and every step must be taken with caution.
I fear vulnerability, I dont want to be hurt, but putting myself on the line is the only to be loved.
I fear unsaid words, I want to hear it but at the same time dont.
I fear rejection
I fear embarrassement
I fear being out there
I fear being less than what others are made of
I fear living the next 50 years by myself
I fear being abandoned
I fear losing everything
I fear having to face myself and what I'm made of

in the end, I'm just a fucking coward.

Help

2006-01-31T21:08:00.000-08:00

I'm falling through the cracks again. Whos going to save me from my own fall this time?

Fading

2006-01-25T17:37:00.000-08:00

Lately I realize that memories began to fade away. Hong Kong seems so long ago. I dont remember its scent anymore. I stare at the pictures and thats all I have. Nowadays I walk along the manhattan blocks, take the MTA, then along the corridors of my school and I was surprised that I seem to fit right in. Its as if I never left. Everything stayed the same. The same fucking redundency of life. At the same time, I feel so hollow. I walk with a shell on and theres nothing inside. I talk with my friends and its not the same anymore. They dont seem to get me, and I dont get them. Suddenly, life is once again closing in on me and I can't breathe. I feel so lonely and I dont remember anything. How do I grasp on to memories? Hong Kong was the best 4 months of my life, but I cant seem to hold on to it. Why? Why does everything have to pass? Why do I have to face so many challenges in my life? Why am I living it so hard? Why am I doing this? What the fuck am I living for?

Reality

2006-01-05T20:15:00.000-08:00

Coming home has been kind of hard. Leaving Hong Kong, I had aspirations to do so much and for the first time I felt like I had control over my life. My goal was to fix myself so that I have enough courage to face the world, listen to my friends and people who truly needed me and make my life just a little more meaningful. But in the end, I realized that maybe I wont be able to accomplish what I set out to achieve. I dont know how to fix myself, my friends ultimately dont really need me and what should I be doing to make my life more meaningful?

SO I sat down with most of my friends these days and we discussed about what friendship should be and mean. I mentioned that I made some amazing friends in HK because they didnt give a shit about my actions. They like me for what I am and I didnt have to prove anything to them. They simply carried the belief that I was a good friend and that I would be there for them. I've never encountered that before. New York represented a place of materialism where I had to constantly prove my place as friend by buying gifts, always giving and receiving less than what I bargained for. I hate this kind of life and I'm so sick of it. Whatever happened to hanging out without a goddamn agenda and just meeting up because I just wanna spend quality time with you? Why does everything have to happen for a reason?

Today I talk with another friend and she mentioned to me that this is the reality of life. Unlike Hong Kong, we can't simply see each other and hang out because we all have to work. Let's face it, most of our buddies are from low working classes and our families dont support us anymore. In another words thats when materialism comes into play. Hanging out is simply a luxury. We hang because we could finally breathe from our school and work, and since we are deprived of the time we compensate by giving gifts to each other. The pricier the gift, the better the relationship. Its like a quick 5 minute relationship that u can simply buy.

But if we are doing this now, does that mean we will never change? We will be working for the rest of our lives, so does that mean we ought to be materialistic for the rest of our lives? A third friend mentioned that society conforms us to what we are. No, thats just saying that we have absolutely no control over our own lives. Yes society is a part of us, but it does not influence all of our beliefs. If we are determined enough, we can make so much changes. Why is everyone accepting defeat when they havent even try? Its great having your own perspectives changed, but what then when u come back home finding that nobody changed and u might never be able to change them?

self -worth

2005-12-13T01:19:00.000-08:00

Last night I had one of the best conversations with my roomie. I had told her earlier that I dont look forward to coming home partly because of the stress and the long cold winter. I also told her that there is really nothing much that is worth for me to come home. Yes, there is my family but I'm not so sure about my friends. There are a lot of let downs and expectations failed. I don't want to go through that again. In fact I feel that I don't matter much to them. Yes, if I'm around its to fill a gap in the table, or to make conversation a little more interesting. Sometimes I wonder when people say that they "miss" me, is it out of formality or do they really mean it? If its out of formality I rather they not say it. Its a waste of my time and it hurts when actions do not go with words. Whats the point of having me find out that its not true afterwards?

But to my surprise my roomie said some really moving words to me. She said that my self esteem is too low. In fact I shouldnt question my self worth, because once you question it, it spills on to affect the relationships you have with your love ones. You have to love yourself or else you wont be able to allow others to love you. And there are reasons as to why people still keep in touch with you, because in the end, maybe they really do care.

Next she went on and said that I shouldnt be finding meaning of myself among other people, but within myself. It is because when we rely on others to look for ourselves, it usually is not enough and we end up being disappointed. So instead of looking for compliments from others to confirm you, it is up to us to confirm our own self worth. Finally she comes up to me, looks me in the eye and pats me on the shoulder and said that she is sure that I am important to many people.

These were the kindest words that anyone can say to me and I think I am "enlightened" for the first time. I think in this world, we are all very lonely and just needs some sort of confirmation from other people. Makes me think about my own actions. And its true, I cant even remember the last time that I told my parents that I love them or that my friends are pretty important to me. Maybe its time that I start saying it and actually meaning it.

Garbage

2005-11-30T02:18:00.000-08:00

I want to throw up. I feel completely used, humiliated and helpless in a situation that I cant seem to control. How do u make someone come back to you when they dont seem to care about u anymore? u have no value to them. They took what was needed and they just dropped u. It happened so quick that i dont even know what was going on. Everything just stopped. So subtle. What is my worth now? For a time, he made me feel that I was okay. He was a confirmation that I existed and Im part of this world. He held me like there was no tomorrows. Now that hes gone, what am I suppose to do? How do I fill up the time that we were suppose to spend together? Time passes so slow, and I feel so empty. I want to cry so bad, but I cant. I want to scream but nothing comes out. What now?

Frusturation

2005-11-09T02:10:00.000-08:00

I feel drained....emotionally. I'm so tired about having trying to fix everyone lives when it doesnt really work in the first place. In the end, I just wonder whats the freaking point? Everyone is so god damn upset over nothing. People get pissed at me for reasons that I dont comprehend. I feel used, thrown away like a piece of garbage. I just want to be happy. Why does happiness comes at such a hard price? And no guys, I dont work in a way where you can one day be happy with me and the next day u treat me like crap. I have feelings too. Sometimes, I feel like people are so absorbed in their own misery that they dont acknowledge that there are other people around them who gets infected too. They think that they are in the bottom of their lives and they think that they are the only victims. Im sorry but that is not true. When you get upset, u dragged down the people who cares about you. We dont know what you are thinking and we dont know how to help you. Cant u understand our helplessness? I feel like I watch you change from being really happy to reaching rock bottom, yet I cant save u from your own fall. I get upset too. So why cant u at least try to tell me whats wrong? Instead of shoving people away, why cant u at least let us into your world and share your pain?

And lately I've been feeling more lonely than ever. Maybe its the lack of words that people say, and people just slowly pushing me away from their lives. Recently, during a survey, theres a question: "What is your meaning of life?" My meaning? I dont have one. I live for my parents. I dont live for myself and I certainly dont live for life. Its too hard and I dont fucking care about anyone or anything anymore. I just want to go through life stressfree and not having to worry about what I did wrong, or how other's actions can hurt me. I just want to say to the world, "FUCK YOU, FUCK THIS".

Expectations

2005-08-05T16:56:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago I talked to my friend and we ended up on the topic of expectations. Life is filled with expectations whether we like it or not; in terms of family, friends, goals and ourselves. Lately my main focus is toward my friends and my bullshit internship. In terms of friends, I guess I am in a way a little melodramatic. I want my friends to unconditionally do things for me or be there for me without asking why, which in a way I thought it is what I am doing for them now. I guess I fantasized the whole thing like it is on TV. Even the lyrics of songs make its wonderful, you know the "I'll catch you when u fall; I'll be there when u need me". But then I realized that its really untrue. There are no such things. There is always this boundary or limitation to what friends can do and it has disappoint me again and again. The problem is I dont know why I keep hoping and keeping these standards.

During my birthday period one of my friends called me up. "Are u going to do anything for your birthday?" she asked. "No, not really" "Well if u are not then I'm just not going to take off from work. U know how hard it is for me to take off" But then later when her two years anniversary with her so called broken up already boyfriend came up, she took off. When her stonybrook friends called her to go out and karoke, she took off. And even when a lesbian girlfriend called her and tried to reach her all summer, she took off. And my other friend? Well she also just called to say happy b-day. Claims that she cant take off and she spends those two free days with her boyfriend. The third friend called, realized that Im not going to have any plans for the day, said ok and bye bye. And later claims that she was planning a gathering for me the weekend after but since the other friend did not return her call, she gave up too.The fourth one totally forget about it. And these people are suppose to be my close friends? They dont even know how much a birthday means to me. Its probably the only day of the year when I get to realize that maybe life is special after all. The last twenty years were well worth it. Instead, it ended up with me thinking and reevaluating this whole friendship thing. BUt dont get me wrong. There were special people that came up and celebrated my birthday and I cant possibly say how relieve I feel. I hate to say this, but if they didnt even show up, i think i would seriously cry.

So my friend asks, "why do you have expectations? Why can't you be glad that friends take the time off to care about u and be appreciative?" But thats not what I'm made of. To me the definition of friends is people who have gone broken through my barriers and sort of signed an imaginary contract to be there for u physically and spiritually. In another words thats when expectations come in to play. If u are closer to me, I sort of have a higher expectation of u and so forth. I would hope that u understand me and when I need to burst, I have someone to burst to. And not to mention that someone needs me. That I could go on knowing I can provide happiness and comfort to someone too, that I'm important for once.

Finally as I look back I feel really bad. The friend who cant go study abroad has medical reasons to not go and all I could say was for her to think rationally and not let anyone influence her. In the end I realize that I didnt give a friends argument for her to not give up and really pursue her dreams which was going there. I didnt let her know that her presence can be important too. Looking back, I can imagine her feeling a little lonely. I think I would have felt it too. It was too rational, calculating and impersonal. In a way, I hope she reads this. Maybe then I can apologize to her this time from a friend.

End of the World

2005-06-22T18:00:00.000-07:00

So the other day I had a dream. In the dream, it was like the end of the days. There were water everywhere and waves that were so high that I saw my own apartment sink beneath it. I was on a boat and the fact that I was gonna die pretty soon was starting to hit on me. Even if I managed to survive the high water tides, there was nothing to eat. Everything had died and it came down to how you would die. So in the dream, my boat had a hole in it and it was sinking fast. A voice came to me sounding like my cousin and he said, "When u go, dont try to struggle. Struggling would only make it harder for you. Instead try to accept and it would be easier." So this is when I woke up with a start. What da heck does this dream mean? I was thinking about my life and everything around me. I wonder if the tides symbolizes my life. Struggling symbolizes, well symbolizes struggling in life. It all comes down to should we even struggle in life? Whats the point of doing so much and competing with others, when in the end we will all have the same fate, die? Its like we move around so much from point A to point B that we ended up moving around in a circle. BUt if we dont struggle, what is the point to life? Its like fate is tempting us. They watch us squirm, dodge and run around. In the meantime, they play us like checker pieces. A life which we all have no control but like to think that we do. Yea right.

Talk

2005-06-20T18:16:00.000-07:00

As I grow older, I realize that it gets harder and harder to talk to people. Its not the talking, but the fact that u want people to understand you without saying too much words on the topic. Sometimes, I feel that people simply want u to spill your hearts out to them. But what they dont know is that its a huge risk to take. When I express everything, I feel exposed, ashamed even. And I hate myself for it. For being so vulnerable. Yet on the other hand, u want to feel a little sympathy. The hope that the other person listening to you appreciates you for saying it. Yet how much is enough? If I say too much, it defeats the purpose of having someone to understand you. Whats the point when you are working for others? And if they expect you to simply fork over yourself, are they even valued listeners? BUt if I dont say enough, no one seems to know what you want. And eventually all words come down to a bunch of gibberish. Then it leads to feeling ashamed, stupid and why am I doing this to myself again?

But why does this problem seem to happen when u are getting older? When I was young, I am desperate for any listener to listen to me. I tell them about my daily adventures, my likes, dislikes, and quick to point out the tragedies of my family. I feel better after expressing my thoughts and people like me for my quick my-whole-life-all- expressed-in 5-minute conversations. Its like a microwave dinner. Fullfilling and fast. But it felt damn good. But it doesnt feel the same anymore. It feels shallow and the guilt thats involved. Gosh the guilt.

I dont want to be a blank piece of paper where everyone understands me. A friend of mine points out that Im so easy to understand, so predictable. No, Im not! I have so many thoughts in my head right now that I feel like I can burst. Sometimes I feel so suffocated and I dont know what to do except hit a pillow. Gosh, what a dilema life is.

NOthing to look forward to.

2005-05-26T13:11:00.000-07:00

So here I am sitting on my ass everyday wondering what I am gonna do next. Despite the boredom sometimes, i actually enjoy being a bum. I get to watch TV everyday and surprise, I dont have to think. And now im actually beginning to meet up with people who I havent met in a million years. Its funny how life works. In highschool, u tend to take advantage of being in the same school and thinking that u will probably continue to see these people for the rest of your life. The thought of never seeing each other again just never sinks in. And now, here I am having coffee with people whom I havent talked for the last four years. As I was sitting there, I realized how everybody's lives changed so much. Everyone seems to be moving on to be doing something and experiencing new things and there I was on a stand still.

So the other the FA asked me again for the second time what I wanted to do when I grow up. I simply answered that I really dont know. God knows that Finance is not what I want to do but that Im stuck with it merely for finding a job. Why do we have to live like this? Why do we have to do things that we dont want to do? And when we do live to the end of our days then what? What am I gonna tell my grandkids? "I live through life like a dream. Wasn't exactly a happy dream but surely a short one. And no, I never really got anything out of it." As I stared at my grandmother, i prayed to God I will never end up like her. Shes almost like a vegetable. She cant hear, cant see, and doesnt know when she is hungry or when she need to go to the bathroom. Whats the point? I remember people say that suicide is an act of cowardness. Well they have not seen my grandmother. How can u possibly have courage when u live that? And be a burden on not only yourself but on others as well. Sometimes I really admire who actually committ suicide. I dont think that its an act of cowardness. I think they took a lot of courage by doing it. Just imagine someone feel that there is absolutely nothing in this world for them to look foward to. They feel they can forfeit something known to them for some unknown. Gosh, I can never do it. Yeah i can be pretty upset and tired of life, but i havent the determination to really give up all that now. Its like, theres something around the corner in life. I guess I have to stay around to uncover all that mystery,

Sometimes, I think if those that died really come back and see how we are doing. I wonder if that concept is just merely us inventing it to make ourselves feel good about us never being alone. I guess I will never know until I actually die, right? Okay, enough about this morbid stuff. I'll post up a happier blog next time, I promise